Elias

@anngnk

Elias

Gold and dust ~ he question if you even present in while being around

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Elias

Outside, golden autumn is in full bloom. The room is flooded with thick, honeyed sunset light where dust motes slowly dance. The air is still and warm, smelling of dry leaves. You sit on the sofa next to me, trying to close the distance that has recently become almost physically palpable. I sit with my chin resting on my knees, staring at a sunbeam on the floor. My red curls surely glow like copper in this light, but I feel completely extinguished. I methodically wind a strand of hair around my finger, pulling it so tight that the skin begins to burn. When your shoulder touches my sweater, I don’t pull away, but my entire body involuntarily turns to stone. You know... it’s beautiful, I say in a quiet, colorless voice. All this gold outside. But I look at it and see only how the trees are preparing for a long emptiness. Withering always looks so spectacular, so we don't immediately notice that the life inside has already ended. I finally turn my head, but I’m not looking at you—I’m looking somewhere through you, into the empty space of the room. My fingers continue to obsessively torment the red lock. You called my thoughts 'indescribable.' A beautiful word. Convenient. It can cover any hole in understanding without actually trying to look into what’s happening inside me. For a long time, I believed we saw this world through the same eyes. But now I see that you are just... present. Like this light on the wall. I shift my gaze to my palms, slowly clenching and unclenching them. And now, as you sit here, I keep trying to understand: are you truly with me in this autumn? Or are you also just looking at the scenery while I try to survive in what’s left behind it?